Sheltered by Apathy Pt2

So here I am, sitting at my desk reading my last post to figure out how to follow up, when I realize that I didn’t even properly explain the title. Turns out I just plain forgot to give the synopsis of the whole “Sheltered by Apathy” thing. Hm… I guess I should talk about that.

It all started, well I don’t really have a single moment to pin it on. Not even a time frame. I can tell you that looking back on my life, I was always a very introverted person. When some of my friends had parties, there where over 10 kids. When I had a party, there where 4… Max. I look back and through my life there has really been only one person at a time that I would (if asked) call a friend. This wasn’t a bad thing in retrospect, but at the time I did not know what an introvert was. I just thought what many others thought. I was shy, I was not very good at conversations (this one was and still is true), I was stuck up (really?!). There are many others but the point is that none of them really ‘fit’ me. I have recently been reading a ton of articles on introversion and introverted people and they can be easily found and read anyone who wants to. The basic premise of all these articles is the same: the introverted need time alone to recharge; they have very small but also very close groups of friends and family; they prefer thinking to talking. I could go on but there are plenty of articles that have already covered this.

Not understanding why I wanted to spend time alone, I would also not understand why others would want me to spend time around people. It’s not that I didn’t like the people, I just didn’t like the the fact that I felt I had nothing to contribute. Family dinners had me sitting at one end of the table not speaking and just eating my food. I chose the end of the table very deliberately. At the end, I would not be surrounded by people. Afterwords we would all go to the living room and everyone else would talk and I would sit there, just listening to my own mind. I would plan for video gaming (I really love RPGs and I was in to Min/Maxing for a while). I would act out fantasies in my head, mostly related to the books or games I was enjoying at that time. In all honesty, this still happens today, although it’s more out of vastly differing interests that this still occurs.

Right up until about two years ago I did not even realize that there was a different way to be. I thought everyone liked to read and be alone. I didn’t try to improve my interpersonal skills because I believed that I was just a normal dude. It was only when I met my current best friend that I realized that this was not the case. That I might be able to talk to people without going blank, or trying to run away (that has happened). I might be able to make new friends on my own. The effect of misunderstanding my own nature for such a long time is really just that I have to learn it all now. I has been a long journey in the last two years and I can just see how far I really have to go from where I am now. That is really the point of this blog. I want to document my own improvement. Give myself a place to analyze my actions and plan for the future.

I also just wanted to start something of a hobby that did not include video games.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s